Self Discovery: A Bit of Lost and Found

Good Morning

Today’s post is about self discovery and exceptece- more specifically the ways I have both lost and found myself in recent years. The thoughts I am sharing with you today are just that- thoughts. They are not meant to be life-altering pieces of advice or mind blowing discoveries. Just a sharing of experiences to maybe give a bit of encouragement and make you feel a little less alone. The inspiration for this post came from an encounter with a dear friend after mass one day. It went like this:

An Encounter with a Friend

“Do you know what you want?” I asked

“No” He said

“Well, do you know what you don’t want?” I watched him as he did his best to fight something back- tightening his fists and clenching his jaw, his breath quickening. I watched as his eyes became distant and glassy as if in pain. If it was the tears or the words he was fighting I don’t know, but both came.

“… I don’t want to lose myself… again”

My heart ached with the weight of his words. I thought of his smile and his laugh. I thought of the boy I knew and loved; the one who would stay up late to watch the stars or get lost in a book. Who dreamed of a future and searched for the truth. The one whose words were as honest and pure as his silences. I knew that we were growing up- both of us. We were changing. We were scared. Were we beginning to lose ourselves? If we were lost, how on earth would we be found?

Lost

I think there are a lot of ways we can lose ourselves. Sometimes we do it intentionally; constantly pushing ourselves away because we want something “better”. Constantly believing that there is a version of ourselves out there better than the one God Himself created. Sometimes we lose ourselves slowly; watching as day by day our time, energy, and passion slips away from us. Life becomes exhausting and existence becomes a chore.

“It’s just a part of growing up” they say. Looking back, I am tempted to believe them. The joy and wonder of childhood seems to be passing away day by day. Until it’s gone. And then maybe that’s what being an adult is. If that’s the case, growing up is quite the tragedy and should be avoided at all costs. But what if it doesn’t have to be? What if growing up is meant to be so much more…

Found

I have spent so much of my life trying to discover other people’s expectations, standards, and ideals. Once I’ve found that, I spend the rest of my life trying to get myself to fit them perfectly. I change my clothes. Talk quieter or louder. Tell them what they want to hear. Show them what they want to see. The hard part is, those things are always changing and I can never fully be something I am not. I can only pretend. Even if I am really good at pretending. In other words, I will never find fulfillment by living this way. The only thing I can fully be is ME. So the only way I can truly find fulfillment is by being ME.

Self Discovery is Harder than it looks

It sounds easy until you try it. Finding yourself can be super difficult. It takes effort and it takes time. It also takes a firm belief that YOU are ENOUGH and that YOU will be WORTH IT. Finding yourself requires sacrificing many of the “not-you” things accumulated over time. But it also requires you to reclaim some of the “very-you” things you’ve sacrificed over time. Those last two things will look different for everybody.

For me, it can be as easy as jumping in a puddle, singing to Taylor Swift as I do the dishes, or listening to silence in the sunshine. Or it can be as difficult as making sure I get to sleep on time so I can wake up early enough to go for a run and watch the sunrise. I thought some things would be easy but they turned out to be hard, like doing art or writing again. Some things I thought would be hard but ended up being easier, like wearing clothes that felt like me.

I think THIS is what growing up is meant to be; (re)discovering your true self. The one you had felt free to be when you were a kid. It is learning to identify the things that bring the real you to the surface and gaining the courage to pursue them.

And you want to know the best part? YOU are an ever changing mystery in an ever changing world. There will always be new things to discover and new ways to be you. It is a joy and an adventure that never runs out. All you have to do is start.

The things that stop my Self Discovery

That being said, there are many things that often stop me from pursuing such an adventure and these are my top three:

The idea that when I do find me, I will not be enough- for myself and for others.
Believing that people would see this pursuit as an “immature” “childish” “fantasy” that is just a “waste of time/money/energy”
Putting it off for another day… or week… or month… or year, thinking it will be more convenient timing then.

My Response

Although those things can be very persuasive in discouraging me at times, I have to remind myself of the reality of each:

To be myself is to fulfill God’s vision for who He created me to be and that is more than enough for Him. It is His opinion that matters. If the God of the universe believes I am enough, but others do not, then they will never be satisfied. I have to learn to accept that.
This is in fact one of the most brave and mature things that I could do. It gives me the ability to discover the things that only I could bring to the world. Doing that could never be a waste because only the time/money/energy I have been given can make it happen. No one else will ever have the opportunity to bring what YOU have to offer into the world.
It will never be convenient. Ever. There will never be a seemingly perfect or more “acceptable” time. Heck, I don’t even know if I’ll have a “tomorrow”. So start today. Do it today. There’s no time like the present.

Where are YOU in Self Discovery?

Self discovery can sometimes feel like a roller coaster with times I feel lost, found, lost again, found again. It’s not a perfect one-time thing. It’s a Journey. It can be scary to jump on that ride, not knowing where it will take me, but I am WORTH IT. And YOU are WORTH IT. You are uniquely and wonderfully made. You have never been given this life before and you will never be given it again- so don’t waste it. Give yourself the silence and the permission to ask “where are YOU?” and then go out to find the answer.

Dance in the living room, jump in puddles, listen to music, pick up those paints, climb that mountain, write that book, do that thing. Be YOU and be it well.

Thanks for reading! I know I was a bit all over the place today but I hope there were parts you could relate to. Maybe you were even able to find a bit of encouragement.

Let’s Talk…

As always I would love to hear from you through the connect page, instagram, or the comments below! What do you struggle with when it comes to being yourself? When have you felt most lost? What about a time you’ve felt the most found? What makes you feel like you? Is this something you struggle with too or does it come easy?

It has been such a pleasure to share this little piece of myself with you today. Until next time, stay joyful and stay YOU 🙂

-me

[elijah jane]