I’M NOT TIRED

It’s late but I’M NOT TIRED

I’m NOT tired. I am not TIRED.

At least, that’s what I’d be screaming if I was a child. Probably throwing a tantrum, asking for food, begging for another story, coming up with any excuse not to go to bed because that could not possibly be what’s wrong…

But I’m not a child. And I know I’m tired. So why don’t I just go to sleep?

Because I am not a Child

Because I have not permitted myself to be one. To be a child is to be dependent: vulnerable: helpless. And as a human being, every single one of those things is absolutely terrifying.

Yet it’s part of our nature, even as adults. And it is a part I’ve realized I spend most of my days trying to escape. It is an entirely futile battle. My dependency, my vulnerability, my helplessness, can not be escaped.

But Jesus was a Child too

Recently this advent I was struck by the image of Christ in the womb and the infant Christ asleep with Mary. I’ve been praying with mama Mary for over a year now, asking her to guide me towards the heart of her Son.

I have come to know many sides of Jesus through her, but this season she is showing me something new: his surrender. His complete embrace of that which I try so hard to deny and to escape.

The more I sit with this reality, the more I feel drawn to the Lord in this place- as if he is inviting me to come closer: to learn from him how to be a child. How to be dependent; How to be vulnerable; How to be helpless.

Knowing our Parents

When I think about the fears of being a child, I realize that it is not so much a fear of being a child as it is a fear that I will not be taken care of.

Yet Jesus knows the heart of God the Father, and He knows the heart of Mary. He knows that they can be trusted.

He came as a child that he might bear witness to their hearts in His dependency upon them. His own helplessness becomes a testament to their Love. In His vulnerability He shows us that there is nothing to be afraid of: we have a good father, who has chosen for us a good mother.

We were made to become tired.

We were made to know our own weakness.
And we were made to know we will always be taken care of.

If the Lord of the Universe can become a child,
So will I.

If He can surrender to sleep in his mother’s arms,
So will I.

Because I am a child. And goodness knows I am tired.

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Always with love,

-me (elijah jane)