Stepping Stones

Good Morning!

I write to you today from my family’s kitchen table. In an ideal world, it would be my own kitchen table, or at least my own desk within my family’s home. Ideally, I’d wake up early enough to watch the sunrise after getting enough sleep and maybe to some stretches or go for a quick run. I’d have at least an hour of prayer time in addition to daily mass and I’d be spreading the truth of the gospel through art and companionship. People would find so much value in what I was doing that they’d be willing to support it. That’s what I want this time of life to look like. That’s where I want to be: it’s how I want to worship God. 

But that is not how God wants me to worship Him, because it is not where He has brought me. Not yet at least. Instead, the Lord has called me to worship Him in a much different way this season. He has called me to a season of worshiping Him through patience, fortitude, and humility.

Patience

According to the Oxford dictionary, Patience is defined as “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset”. The example sentence it gives is “you can find bargains if you have the patience to sift through the dross”. If you know me, you know I love a good bargain. But what if bargains weren’t just financial? What if there were spiritual bargains too?

The search for happiness and fulfillment is a familiar song to many of us. I am constantly presented with ideas of what will help us accomplish this. Sometimes it’s attending the perfect school and getting the perfect job. I could start my own business or become a CEO (or both). Sometimes it’s buying that new workout equipment and throwing myself into a new exercise routine. Or it could be changing my diet. Maybe it’s leaving home in a van and traveling across the country. Most recently, the algorithm has been trying to sell me the idea of running away to the mountains and living off the land. 

All of these things can be good and often are good, but only in their proper timing. I often get caught up in the idea of them. I try so hard to make them a part of my reality, even when it’s not their time or I am not quite ready yet. It’s exhausting and is ultimately more taxing to my spirit than nourishing. It is not the things themselves that are draining but rather my impatience that makes them so. Most good things take time, and there are stepping stones to get there. I don’t like stepping stones. They take too long. So I try jumping over them, and usually end up just falling in the river. That’s a bit of an elongated metaphor, but you get the point.

Fortitude

“Fortitude: Strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage”. Here’s the thing: healing hurts. If it didn’t, everyone would do it. Unfortunately for me, healing is one of the first stepping stones for nearly anything else I want to do. And there are a lot of even smaller stepping stones to get to it. I know I’m not alone in it: there are a lot of people in the same place. 

I am grateful that I have the freedom and space to heal. I’m grateful that I have support and that I am surrounded by love. Still, it is painful. The “strength” of fortitude doesn’t come from me, it comes from the Holy Spirit. It is one of Her gifts and she gives it freely, I just have to get better at asking for it. 

Humility

“Freedom from Pride or Arrogance”. I hadn’t realized how much of a pride problem I had until I heard the Lord whispering to me “this isn’t giving me glory”. Despite these gentle words, I struggled to change. I’d take on larger roles and start new projects because it glorified me. Even if I thought or felt like I wanted to glorify God, my actions weren’t speaking that. My actions were revealing how enslaved by pride I was. 

Enslaved? Really? Don’t you think that’s a bit of a strong word? Yes. I do believe it is a strong word, and I believe it is the right word to use. I was working myself to death (literally) for no other reason than it made me feel important and powerful and valued and needed. The more God sent me signs and friends to ask me to stop, the harder I worked. If I could keep myself busy enough, I thought, I wouldn’t be able to hear it. If I couldn’t hear it, I couldn’t be blamed for not listening. 

But God wouldn’t let me get away that easily. He knew how enslaved I was to this power, and He won’t give up until I am free. And so His signs became bigger and louder until, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t ignore them. Slowly, I began to let God into this enslaved part of me that I had concealed for far too long. It wasn’t fun. The first moment I truly surrendered, it didn’t feel like a choice. I sent this text to my best friend:

“Well, I guess this whole staying up late as motivation to just get the things done doesn’t work anymore. I simply don’t want to do them and am overwhelmed by the realization that I really have no reason to. I think that I am breaking. And it makes me want to cry, actually it just plain makes me cry, because I wanted to be strong enough for the world, I wanted to be able to fit into it and not lose pieces of myself in doing so but I can’t. It’s been 15 years of trying nearly every single day and I am exhausted, I can’t get myself to keep trying like I used to. I can’t get myself to do things like I used to. My body and my mind and my soul are done. Like that momentary muscular failure you try to get to in a workout. NO matter how hard I try, it won’t move another inch. And I don’t know if I’m relieved or hopeful or sad or angry but I think part of me is scared because I don’t know what failure looks like yet. I remember thinking I had reached this point so many times before: in kindergarten, in middle school, in highschool, but every time my parents would tell me I had more to give. They can’t even bring themselves to try to tell me that anymore.”

– Wed. April 19th 12:35am

The Lord is my Strength and Deliverer

After reaching the end of my own strength, I was forced to depend entirely upon God. At least for a couple of days. It was painfully humbling, but was also a gift. In reality, I have always been entirely dependent on God, I was just made unmistakably aware of it. The struggle now is to stay aware, nor just for a day or two but for life. And so I am grateful for this season. 

It may be slower than I would like it to be. I may not be accomplishing the things I had hoped to. I may not even be worshiping God as well as I would like to. But because of this season, I will understand that such things can only come from God. It’s an understanding that will require patience, fortitude, and humility to acquire. All of which can also come only from God. It is an understanding vital to my own salvation.

Starting the stepping stones

As I ask God to make me the saint He intended me to be, I am starting small… very small. I’m going to try the stepping stone method and see how it goes. Each new step, I will ask the Lord to be with me and to make it possible. The first four stepping stones are simple: drink enough water each day, eat breakfast, make my bed, and pray a morning offering. Yet even in these things I require the Lord’s help and mercy. And so, each morning I pray:

It’s a long journey ahead, but I am so excited to walk it with the Lord ♡ thank you for letting me share it with you here, on instagram, and in your inbox!

Keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine, sincerely,

-me ♡ (elijah jane)

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